Drinking Accident

I'm inside a bar. The lights are low, the music loud, colors flash randomly to encourage dancing and seizures. I'm drinking a beer, and doing shots of Tequila. It's my buddy's birthday and he's finally convinced me to start drinking again. Three years sober and tired of listening to his QQing I finally acquiesce. I'm having a great time drinking and dancing but in the back of my mind I know that each shot brings me closer to my destruction. We keep dancing for hours and everybody keeps drinking but the pressure in my mind keeps reminding me that drinking is a terrible idea, so I start smoking again to try to balance things out. The colors flash continuously now, so they are not really flashing but bathing the entire bar in colored light. The bar is blue, now red, now green, now blue, still blue, purple, orangeredyellowblueredblue, blue blue, yellow orange. Each shot I take pushes me closer to losing control. We're all still dancing and drinking but my panic is spilling out everywhere. I stumble around confused and disoriented, I dread the next drink but our small party flows to the bar in a periodic manner I find most disturbing. I can't stop drinking, my destruction is assured. I'm chain smoking and suffocating but I can't stop smoking either. Shame and failure wash over me and I start crying, there is no worse feeling in the world. I have-blue- no will. I will-orange-die. How can I fail at keeping myself alive? We keep dancing-sepia-.